So, we’ve been talking about first dates and dating for a little while. And hopefully you and your potential partner are doing good. Maybe even too good? Or at least one of you is. Excitement and enthusiasm can take over your dating live, or his. So how do you temper this?
It’s funny how something this small can put major stress on your early relationship. And yes, granted, it’s usually the guy who is putting a bit too much pressure on you by asking way too early what you are, or if you’re still seeing other people. But it’s like any other tip I can give you. As long as you feel good about ‘you’, then don’t give up on it yet, but rather talk and convince him you are not quite on the same wavelength.
Dating from a guy’s perspective
I try to tackle this part of dating from every angle. Hopefully, giving you the guy’s perspective on things will help you understand him better. So last week we’ve talked about the first few weeks into dating. This is usually the most nerve-wracking time. Now, the dust is settling and you’re feeling very comfortable being around each other.
Why is it that he is suddenly moving at a lightning-fast pace? Well, it’s mostly because of him being comfortable with you. Whereas women usually are more cautious to get hurt, so take a bit longer, men tend to get used to the safe and comfortable feeling quicker. So he’s going all-in a bit faster than her. This is nothing to be scared about, but be careful in your way to temper his expectations.
Talk, but don’t say ‘we need to talk’
It’s actually a beautiful thing. His feelings of ‘liking you’ are turning in ‘loving you’. Men tend to fall in love harder and faster. Women have spent their entire life surpressing the feeling of falling in love because they are more emotional in touch with themselves. So if you wan’t to say that he’s years ahead of you, bring it with caution. Because his safe space can suddenly fall apart and believe it or not, men take heartbreak way and way harder then women. But, more on that later.
The thing is, he (probably) isn’t aware of him moving faster than you. So just tell him that you like spending time with him first. Establish a safe environment in which you can talk to him. Always do it in a private setting. Like at one of your homes, never express this in public, for he can feel pressured to surpress his emotions and the conversation can escalate.
Then, just talk about the time you’ve already spent together. Tell him that you cherish it, and mean it. Never have this conversation if you are not sure about the outcome of your relationship. If you really feel like the two of you can go the distance, tell him that you ‘liked’ the time you’re spending together. Never use the word ‘loved‘, it can be interpreted in a different way.
The hardest part
Right, you’ve set up a safe space in which both of you can freely express your emotions. He’s probably feeling a bit more pressure, but that’s only natural. Try to talk and take the pressure away. If you have no intentions to leave him, you have got to make sure he notices this.
Use phrases as: “I like what we are doing, but sometimes you come on a bit strong, it pressures me to get somewhere I’m not yet.” The word ‘yet’ is really important, it implies you are going to get there eventually, but it will take a little time. Don’t ever tell him how long that might take, the pragmatic nature of the man will see this as an agreement. And your dating situation turns into an ultimatum.
Then, say something like: “I like how you are comfortable with us, and it really assures me that we can go the distance, but we’re just moving a little bit too fast.” He will understand, because. This situation is new for him too.
Never blame it on work or you being swamped. Even if it’s true, it will come off as a lame excuse. If you want to use this, you better explain it very thoroughly. It’s better to say: “I still like to have some time to myself, this doesn’t mean that I don’t want to see you, but I still need to do my own things too. And I feel like you feel this too.”
Elaborate about things like spending sometime with your friends, visiting relatives, take some time for work or other things that can make you grow as a person. Lastly, don’t leave him lost. This was probably a lot to take in. He’s still feeling insecure and unsure about your future. So tell him that everything is fine and you still go out with him. Tell him that he’ll see plenty of you, but also be firm and tell him that you might want to dail it back to a couple of times per week.
Reflect on the situation
After ‘the talk’ it’s likely that he still feels a bit unsure about you, I’m sorry, but we are like this. Whatever you do, don’t let this conversation drag on. Make sure you are still dating and nothing has really changed, the only thing you’re doing is take some more time for you. He’ll understand. If he already is, let him still spend the night, because it might send the wrong message if you send him home.
Finally, stay in contact! I can’t emphasize this enough. If you promise nothing about the way you feel has changed, make sure nothing changes. He’ll feel change quicker than you. Stay in contact. Call and text and whatever you do, include him in your life. Even when you’re not together at that point.